I haven't been updating here much because I'm beyond burnt out, and emotionally drained, and struggling with serious depressive cycles and, well, PTSD and recently resurfaced memories. The only good thing is that it's made me reflect on how memory works.( Personal stuff.Collapse )
I sometimes update Tumblr, sometimes, but I'm not very dedicated to that. My queue runs empty a lot. I'm just... semi-active in fandom, these days. It's how I roll. I kinda long for the days when I was active and had lots of great interaction and lots of people around, but I'm also glad to be done with that. I used to be a terrible self-righteous bitch. I mean, the thread still exists, I'm no saint and get easily frustrated, but I genuinely feel so differently about a lot of things and regret quite a lot of my former behavior.
I have some thoughts on Cullen's slightly differing rejections to a Qunari/dwarf vs. a male elf (untested with other male races), and if anything, he comes across as more emphatically uninterested in a Qunari/dwarf female than a male elf. My conclusions are not particularly flattering to him, but are even less flattering to the Bioware devs. I don't know, I kinda want to write this long involved post about what I think is off about Dragon Age's conception of sexuality, particularly LGBT sexuality, its absence, and use Cullen as the lightning rod. I want to pit the construction of Sera vs. the construction of Dorian, the abrupt and awkward stop in developing bisexual Cullen and bisexual Solas, the vibe of antipathy towards lesbians, and Bioware's feast or famine syndrome with writing LGBT sexuality. Has Bioware taken the Madonna/whore complex and extended it to include men as well? (Consider, for example, Alistair vs. Zevran, the most obvious example.) I don't know. I don't have much life in me for this.
I'm going to post my Kiss Battle offerings to AO3 one day. Finished an Alistair/Zevran fic on a request, and it will be posted soon, when I get the beta back. Have a working idea for my Rare Ship Swap fic.
The big writing monkey is the Dragon Age Big Bang. I don't want to drop out, but I still don't know what to do. Who to even write. I have some ideas, none seem to work very well at the moment. I can't get far with them. They're not singing to me. If I have an idea, I know I can make the deadline, I write fast, but I've got nothing that pans out. All I have are little ghost glimmers of things, shimmering gossamer things that have yet to turn into anything real.
- Parse out what drunk!Alistair was actually doing during DA:I, since he fails to make an appearance. Zevran drags him out, needs him for something. But do I want to write a recovering alcoholic? Could I do it justice? I could have it be more distant, there's probably been a good five or so years since he gets whisked off by Teagan in DA2.
- Try to push through my Alistair/Zevran through all seven origins fic. I'm having the hardest time with my Amell's story. Maybe I should skip to the others and then go back?
- Write my weird semi-canon headcanon for Nathaniel Howe as an Antivan Crow (HE IS AN ASSASSIN, MKAY), one who mentored and employed Zevran briefly. I'd want to reposition it with a Warden Alistair and Nathaniel, Zevran gets involved in Warden business, bits of their history play out. I wouldn't be breaking canon, exactly, but I think I'd put a dent in the fender. I could also do it with a drunk!Alistair.
- I could do a more involved adventure with post-DA:I Fenris having a terrible red lyrium experience and Anders has to fix it. I want to involve Varric and Cullen, as the red lyrium parts would matter a lot to both of them. But it's so involved, there's a whole bit about finding one of Danarius's old safehouses and Anders tending a horribly sick Fenris. I'm also not sure I'm feeling it as strongly.
- Start over on Cullen/Fenris, as what I had wasn't working, it wouldn't budge further, try to build instead on Fenris suffering some weird effects from his lyrium, comes to Skyhold, and Cullen feels a pull to him since he's kinda laced with lyrium, and go from there? But I dunno. I still feel weird about Cullen.
- King Alistair, but drag him into misadventures with Zevran?
- A weird thing keeps working in my head about Leliana/Morrigan, and haunted things, and because I'm Alistair/Zevran trash, I'd work that in, too, but all the porn would likely be Leliana/Morrigan, but oh how to work them out. So hard.
I don't know, I'm so tired, and my head is filled with half-baked ideas. Maybe something will work out soon. Or maybe I won't be able to do the DABB. Sigh.